Ninja Cat versus the Ham

I recently read an interview with romantic comedy author Tawna Fenske.  She said that she’d tried to write full time, but without exposure to the outside world through her day job, inspiration lagged.

I feel her.  When I tell people that weird things happen in my life, I wish I could explain the magnitude of weird.  The animals keep things interesting, although my husband adds an element of unpredictability to rural life in the country.  For example, I provide the story of Ninja Cat and the ham.

Ninja Cat is also known as Hunter and has some “crazy rescue cat lady Kelly” beginnings.  I trapped him in Boston and by the time I could get a low cost neuter appointment he’d been hiding under H’s bed for a few weeks and H decided they were bonded.  They were not bonded.  Ninja cat hated H slightly less than he hated all other human beings.  He continued to hate everyone and refuse to let people touch him, or to come out from under the bed during daylight hours, for at least another year.  He’s actually gotten very snuggly, but he loves H best and likes to threaten to kick my ass from time to time.  If you tell him not to do something, or swat him off the kitchen counter, he will charge you.

That’s cat gratitude for you.

A few weeks ago, Ninja cat busted his way out of a door I hadn’t locked properly, got sprayed by a skunk and came back into the house.  Needless to say, house and cat smell like skunk.  I called the vet and offered them any amount of money to bathe Ninja Cat.  I told them they could sedate him if needed.  Imagine my surprise when the vet declined and informed me it would be “traumatic”.  For him.  Since I was traumatized by the smell, I tried to bathe him myself and that went as expected.  The cat does have some ninja skills after all.

Meanwhile, he still believes that he is strong and mighty enough to conquer a skunk.  Or a thirteen pound ham.  That’s right, we’ve gotten to the ham portion of this story.  H is currently getting his MFA in photography and thanks to our awesome Virginia location was inspired to do a series on artisan cured meats and the changing food industry.  I can’t do the idea justice here, but it wound up in us buying a thirteen pound country ham, which has been cured and dried to shit and which you reconstitute with water.  It came in a burlap bag and its bulk was equivalent to a thirteen pound boulder.  Inside the bag the ham was wrapped in paper.

Enter Ninja cat who managed to undo the drawstring and shove his head inside the burlap bag.  From the living room we heard crinkle….crinkle….crinkle crinkle crinkle.  I yell at the dogs.  Crinkle.  Crinkle.  Crinkle.  I go in the kitchen and see the front half of the skunk smelling cat shoved in a burlap bag trying to drag a salty thirteen pound ham rock onto the counter.

You have to give him points for confidence.

4 thoughts on “Ninja Cat versus the Ham

  1. Oh my gosh too funny! Your life sounds like my house. Thursday night the dogs flushed a bird in the bush outside our mudroom (right as the husband was opening the door to let them in). We had a bird flying around the mudroom while the husband had his coat over his head so he wouldn’t be pooped on. It was hysterical. The bird perched on both deer heads’ antlers, the ceiling fan, even a window. FINALLY it found it’s way outside. All the while I’m trying not to laugh, the husband is annoyed, and my two birddogs are scratching and screaming at the mudroom door. Country living is never dull!

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